You are all I want.
You are all I need.
I want to be obsessed with you for the rest of my days.
The more I see you the more I want.
Nothing else matters because I know that ALL that concerns me is safe in Your hands when I seek you.
I love you so much.
I am your bride.
No matter how much I pray or read or seek…. I rarely feel YHWH, feel His love.
If we are the body then isn’t our job to give action to the spirit?
For me this means that when the body dislikes me, YHWH does too.
When the body fails to offer encouragement, I must not be worthy of encouragement.
When the body fails to offer fellowship, I must not be worthy of fellowship.
Why is it all we can seem to offer each other is Facebook prayers and sunday/saturday morning gossip fests?
Where is the intimacy? Its like all of our families are so broken we have all become islands and push away anyone who would seek in others, a new family.
Dont kid yourself. I don’t care if you go to church or synagogue… you’re an island.
You’re an island because you don’t reach out past your comfort zone. You don’t reach into the lives of those who are hurting in a way to make the pain stop.
YOU JUDGE. You judge those who are seeking Him most.
Stop using “no body is perfect” as an excuse. Why are you even leading a “church” – THE BODY if you can’t even be the body.
Pastors and Rabbis who care more about a sermon than the hurting people around you. YOU are whats wrong with the body of Yeshua.
Its 4:43 am. There are flowers on the table.
Turkey is cooking. Green beans in the slow cooker.
Two pies in the window.
A mess on the table.
Four people, three dogs, three cats and one bird all sleeping.
I used to feel like nothing I did was enough and that would make me sad.
I still feel like nothing I ever do is enough but now I feel hopeful.
Im not sure if I should warn, teach, educate people. It lives in me. There are so many I know who are not living in truth. I want to help them see it. I don’t know how other than to just post stuff on fb but I feel no one reads it. Maybe the people who already know it. Am I making a difference?
Im not sure if I should just stick to educating my kids and teaching them only. sigh…..
I wish I trusted more people. I wish more people were trustworthy.
I don’t know how to get past my unrealistic expectations of people. UG!!!
There are flowers on the table.
Im really sad today. Im going to say its the lack of sugar. Weird things were happening last night. Maybe that was the lack of sugar too.
Feeling quite alone and unloved. Sick of this house. Hurt by people I thought were friends.
Ive kinda given up on the concept of friendship. I mean it will happen but only until that person finds out the one thing that makes them leave. Its different for every person but they all leave.
Im going to go cry now.
Last night before sundown Grant and I went to Panera Bread. I got an unsweet tea, a Fiji apple chicken salad, a small bowl of chicken noodle soup and a mac and cheese. Oh and a coffee. This was my last supper. lol
I started a fast from sugar and hopefully meat. (with the exception of turkey since thanksgiving is next week) but meat as a daily sustenance. I did good. I used stevia in my tea and honey in my coffee. But caffeine is also not on the approved list so i won’t be having coffee or tea for the next 40 days either.
Interestingly enough my fast ends on the last day of channukah which is 3 days before the new year. So just in time for 2012. I want to be ready.
The reason I’m fasting is because I’m tired of my brain being numb. I don’t feel like i can think as well as YHWH needs me to. My brain has been high on sugar since I was a kid. The one time I did fast for three days, when my brain came on.. I felt so good. My creativity lit up and I actually felt high because I was thinking so clearly and I’m not used to that.
Sometimes I get frustrated with people. Ok i live in a state of eternal frustration with people. LOL I seek people out to learn from and they all seem just way too busy to answer my questions. Im not blind and I’m not looking for someone to lead me but to help when I can’t think it through. Anyway I found a night a few weeks ago sitting on my bed feeling very down and let down by all the people I know who are able to teach me and just won’t. So, again, I went back to the basic. What did Yeshua do. Im just going to do what He did and it will all work out. Keep in mind at this point I wasn’t really sure what the was. I wasn’t thinking it that far ahead. My bible could have said “Yeshua picked apples” and I would have gone to pick apples.
So I started in Matthew. First thing He did (unless I missed something) besides being born and stuff (which I’ve already done too) is get baptized. I was like… OK I got this. My plan was to just do it in a pool or lake or whatever. I hadn’t worked out all the details. About an hour later, still creeping around the internet at teachers sites, I found this on Maria Merolas page. YAY! He led me straight to clear instructions. I had actually found that page before but didn’t know what to do with it, for some reason.
I did my mikvah and prayer in the bathtub on shabbat Friday November 11th, in a white sundress. As weird as it might sound it was beautiful and refreshing and simple.
At first I was going to do all the first things he did in all 4 gospels and then all the 2nd things He did but I decided that would take more work than necessary so I’m doing Matthew first. I know some of them repeat, tell of the same event in different ways. I may or may not just do that event again. I may find when I get to Mark I need to fast again. Hopefully not. We will see.
So thats why and how I’m fasting. I wish I could do a total fast but I’m not there yet. Ive spent years tearing up my body. So far things are fabulous and the Ruach is with me so stay tuned for praise reports.
Shalom
Stacy
Yay Me! YAY YHWH!!
I dont know who I am. That bothers me a little. All I really know is that my mother is my mother and shes been stolen from me.
I never liked Bob Brumley. He was a lousy father. Ive been told for as long as I can remember that I wasnt even his and ya know. I dont care.
Supposedly I belong to Corkey Roach. Yeah cant find him either. He had kids names Neal, Nolan and Ramona. They would be older than me which is 44.
Ok so Im a Winn. Thats a start. Its not like I ever really knew any of them.
Im not a Braswell. My kids are. Im not.
I dont know who I am. It kinda bothers me.
UPDATE: I found this photo on monday. I see me. What do you see?
I want just a little more space. Just a little.
Maybe 1 more cats.
A big wooden fence to keep people out of my biznass.
I want a bicycle that doesnt work, painted all one color, with a basket, with flowers planted in the basket, chained to the mail box.
I want to hang bottles from my trees.
I want to have a dog pen.
I want chickens.
I want bee hives.
I want to be able to build something without being fined.
I want to be able to leave MY stuff in MY yard as long as I want. Till it rots even. If I want…..with no one saying anything about it.
I want to live free of Tejano music.
I want to have a weekend where I DONT hear the boom boom boom of a teenagers speakers going by.
I want to plant flowers and have them live.
And vegetables!
Thats really all…. its not too much ya think?
Can I move now? Please
I dont want to feel guilty about wanting to be alone ever again.
I am happy being home, mostly alone, in my own little world. Happy is GOOD.
Repeat that…. Happy is GOOD!
Yesterday, after months of solitude I had the strength to help. I got up at 9 pm and went shopping and took 50$ worth of supplies to Magnolia for the fire fighters. On the way home we talked of feeding the homeless.
I couldnt have done that if I felt drained or sad.
Today I feel dranined and sad. People who drain me keep adding me back on face book. I cant be friends with people who suck the life out of others. Namely me. Some of you dont even know that you are doing it.
I cant do needy. I have kids and a husband and a house that need me. I need me. I need to get well and I cant if this keeps happening.
I WONT feel guilty anymore for pushing people away and this is why.
Its not a mean thing. Its not a selfish thing. Its not a hateful thing. It is out of love. But so many of us dont even know what love it we cant even see that.
If im going to be in a relationship with you that works I HAVE TO BE WELL.
If im going to love you… I have to be well!
I have to be healthy and happy and well IN MY MIND. In my heart, in my head.
Im not. I am still dealing with the pains of losing 4 babies in 5 years.
Im still dealing with the pains of a husband who keeps leaving me.
Im still dealing with the pains of a mother im not allowed to see anymore which is just the tip of the iceberg in that situation.
Hell im still dealing with my own sin and the repercussions of dealing with this the wrong way for years.
I really do love all of you. I just want to be happy. I just want to be alone. I need to heal. I need time. I need prayer. Please, if you love me. Please leave me alone.
I dont want to go to church. I dont want to go to any kind of services. I dont want to go to parties. I dont want to go to picnics. I dont want to go to the mall. I dont want you to come over and visit or call me.
OMG please dont call me.
I just want to be alone.
Send me a text. Send me an email. Thats safe.
We dont not have to be friends on facebook to love each other. Facebook is not the have all end all to relationships.
I have put my kids on the back burner for too long. I have had NOTHING for them for years because ive given it all away to ungrateful cheerleaders and cheer parents and 20 something “friends” who talk shit about you behind your back and use you.
Important things in my life are suffering because ive allowed my plate to be too full for too long.
I wont do it anymore.
I wont stay quiet when you come over un announced. I will ask you to leave.
I will continue to put you in voicemail if needed. Leave a message. If necessary ill call back. If not ill text. If you dont hear from me my answer is “I dont care”
I will NOT go to church. I will not let anyone make me feel guilty for not going to church.
I will no longer be what others want me to be. I will be true to who I am.
I love and serve YHWH. Who I am is between Him and me and that should be enough for you.
Thank you
Peace has been spoken.
S
Well Rosh Hashannah is coming. The feast of trumpets. Yeshua may well come back. If so I want to leave a parting message for anyone who may have gotten left behind.
Read information by these people:
Daniel Crouch – Bat Tzion
Maria Merola -Double Portion Inheritance
Michael Didler – We are Israel
Sandy Bruce
They all have good stuff that has helped me learn the truth about Christianity and Yeshua, who He is and whats REALLY going on.
Blessings
S
YHWH knew what He was doing when He made us.
If we talked out of our ears no problem. Gotta big ear? Talking too much? Too much gossip? Too much La Shon Hara? Just sew up your ear!
You have another one. It would so be worth it to me!
Talk out your nose? Cant stop complaining…out your nose?
Glue it shut. Breathe out your mouth!
But noooo we LaShon Hara with our mouths. The very thing we need to eat with. There is no other option. We must shut out mouths.
We can not cut it out and throw it away. sigh.
YWHW HELP ME SHUT UP!
I really dont want to say anything to people. Im not kidding. I dont crave talking to people and I regret it every time I do so why do I do it?
BAD HABIT!
Thats all it is. Its a bad habit.
Talked to a friend this evening. She upset me. Couldnt talk to her about it but I was upset.
So Trev and I went out. Saw another mutual and OUT came all the frustration. All she had to say was “how is so and so?” and I let it all out. UGH!
If I cant sew my mouth shut then should I cut off people? Do I really need fellowship? Do I DESERVE it? No…. Shame on me.
